How Long Before It Doesn’t Hurt So Bad?

I am sitting here at my computer and looking at a wonderful picture of my son.  He has that smile that would melt anyone’s heart and I am asking my self why?  I have really struggled the last week or so and I keep thinking how much longer before it doesn’t hurt so badly.  I look at his pictures and I am beginning to come to the realization that he is really gone.  I guess the reality of his death is finally beginning to sink in deeper and I am trying to figure out how to best deal with it.  I wondered the other day if I could just cry hard enough for long enough would it not hurt so much or maybe if I could bring myself to release that scream that lies deep in my heart would it stop then or maybe I could just break something or hit something (not someone!) over and over and over would it stop then.  How much anguish do you have to release before it stops feeling like your insides are being ripped out of your body.  I had told someone the other day that questioned why I hadn’t journal-ed for a while, I had been really not very positive and I didn’t think anyone would want to read that.  But I got to thinking , you know that is the reality of this whole thing called “Grief”.  It’s not very nice some-days and it hurts like “H—” some-days.  I only wish no one had to be a member of “the club” as one of my friends recently said.  The dues for this club are way to high a price to pay.   

I keep saying “I am sorry”  when I can’t contain or control my emotions.  I have said I am sorry more in the past 8 months then I have in my lifetime.  ”I am sorry I cry because I miss my child.  I apologize for not being able to concentrate because my mind seems scrambled right now.  I apologize for forgetting to do things because I don’t think very clearly.  I apologize for asking people questions twice because I forgot I have already asked them something.  I apologize to my family members when I start to cry because I think I am making them sad and I don’t want them to be sad.  Some-days I feel like I should just hang a sign around my neck that says “I am sorry for everything”.  

I found a note that he wrote to me before he went to Guatemala when he was a Senior in High School.  He was getting ready to pick up his last minute things and he was headed to Omaha to get his final immunizations.  He left this note with numerous questions and signed it “Your Little Boy”.  I want my “Little Boy” back!!!!!  I found a lot of his things that were suppose to be moving with him when he headed for Kentucky in August.  Things from his high school career.  I came across alot of his songs that he had been writing and his old bible, lots of memories and lots of tears.  Pictures of him with his best friend Michael and hanging with his buds from church youth group.  As I looked through the things I would think, this is his life right here, this is all I have left beside the parts that are in my heart. 

Someone recently told me I needed to “Move Forward”.  I feel like I am moving forward!  I get out of bed in the morning even when I don’t want to and I have returned to the daycare to work three days a week.  Maybe I am not moving forward at the pace they think I should but then again they have their family with them and no one is missing.  I do get out of bed everyday and I look at the blessings that remain in my life and I do thank God for what He has given me.  But I still miss Adam and I would take him back tomorrow if God gave me the choice.  My heart is aching tonight but maybe tomorrow will be a new day with new things and it won’t hurt so much.